Dating After 40: The First Time … Calling Him

A guy you’ve been emailing from a dating site has given you his number and requested you call if you want to talk. You’re grateful because you’re uneasy giving a stranger your phone number.

His number sits on a Post-It on your desk. You pick it up several times a day. But you put it down each time. Without dialing.

You like his profile and his pic. His emails have been interesting. So why don’t you call?

You don’t know what to say. You’re afraid of stammering and stuttering and sounding like an idiot. You have no trouble making business calls, but this is different. You don’t have much practice doing this, since the last time you dated men made the first move. The Internet, stalkers, and safety concerns have changed all that.

So the ball is in your court.

You could always wimp out and write him an email. Or an IM. Or just give him your number. But no, you want to hear his voice, and yet you’re uncomfortable giving out your number, no matter how nice and sane he’s seemed so far.

You know you need to dial the phone. But how to start?

Review his profile or whatever you know about him before dialing. If you want a cheat sheet, prepare 3 or 4 open-ended questions. Open-ended questions get people to talk more. They start with how, what, who, why, when and require more than a one- or two-word response. You could start with “Tell me about…,” “Help me understand…,” “I’m curious about…,” “Share with me…,” “I’m interested in….”

You could ask questions that elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, but then the conversation can stall. If he’s a bit nervous, he won’t elaborate. So prompt him with a question that invites him to talk more.

Also, don’t interrogate him with rapid-fire questions. Make sure you comment on his response before asking another question. And allow him to ask you some questions. I find it best to end my answers with a question back to him, even if it’s just, “What do you think on that topic?”

Here’s a sample for you.

You: Hi Mark. This is Sally, also known as SunnyBright from Match.com. I wanted to call and say “Hi.”

Him: Hi Sally. It’s nice to finally hear your voice.

You: Thanks. It’s nice to hear yours, too. I liked your profile and I’ve enjoyed our email exchanges. You are an interesting guy. (A little sincere flattery is a good way to begin. Don’t comment on his pic by saying that you think he’s cute, as the pic could be from a long time ago. When you meet, he might not look much like his pic.)

(Now ask him an open ended question. Something from his profile.) I thought it was interesting that you said you were an East Coast transplant. What is the most striking difference you’ve found from living on both coasts?

(If you said, “Do you like living on the West Coast?” or “Do you miss the East Coast?” he could just answer “yes” or “no.”)

Him: The people here are more open and friendly, which is great. I haven’t had time to meet a lot of folks, but am getting some friends from work and the sailing club.

You: I remember you said in your profile you liked to sail. I love to sail, too, but haven’t been out in a long time. I love the wind on my face and being so close to the water. What’s your favorite thing about sailing?

And you’re off. On the first call, people commonly ask, “What are you looking for in a romantic partner?” But they often express that in their profile — even if it is typically nebulous. And people aren’t particularly willing to go into a deep discussion on the first call. You want to know if you might be a match, but unless he says something that is totally off-putting, you can’t really tell if you might be a match or not.

Some women also try to feel out a man’s readiness for a committed relationship and his interest in having a family. A guy may say he’s ready to settle down, but doesn’t know he isn’t until he is in a relationship. So you can ask, but a guy may say what he thinks you want to hear — not because he is purposefully lying (although some will), but because he’s not really clear on what he wants, but doesn’t realize it.

The purpose of this first call is to see how easy he is to talk to. If it is difficult to maintain a conversation, it’s not good. If he talks 90% about himself, how much money he makes (or the material goods he has that tells you how much money he makes), how horrible his ex is, or curses or gets sexual, then no need to bother meeting. However, most people are on their best behavior on the first call, so if there is nothing odious about him at this point, it’s probably worth another call or coffee.

But let him ask! Don’t say, “Shall we get together?” or “Do you want to have coffee?” Yes, you’re an assertive, take-charge, twenty-first century woman. But this is not the time to show it. It will come out soon enough. You shouldn’t be something you’re not, but allow him to make the invitation. Unless you’re into shy men, he needs to show enough interest — and confidence — to suggest the next contact. Even if he says, “I’m up to my eyeballs in work the next few days. Let me call you back in a day or two,” that is a good sign. If you don’t want to give your number, say, “No problem. Email me a good time and I’ll call you back in a few days.”

R.L. Morgan, "The Dating Goddess," brings you her experience from the front line of dating after 40 -- having dated 73 men in 2 years after her 20-year marriage broke up. Read her insights and lessons to help you date more effectively. She's a bestselling author, Oprah guest, and speaker. Read all of the Dating Goddess's wisdom at Adventures in Dating After 40, http://www.DatingGoddess.com

©2006-07 RL Morgan, All rights reserved.

Dating After 40: The First Time … Calling Him

A guy you’ve been emailing from a dating site has given you his number and requested you call if you want to talk. You’re grateful because you’re uneasy giving a stranger your phone number.

His number sits on a Post-It on your desk. You pick it up several times a day. But you put it down each time. Without dialing.

You like his profile and his pic. His emails have been interesting. So why don’t you call?

You don’t know what to say. You’re afraid of stammering and stuttering and sounding like an idiot. You have no trouble making business calls, but this is different. You don’t have much practice doing this, since the last time you dated men made the first move. The Internet, stalkers, and safety concerns have changed all that.

So the ball is in your court.

You could always wimp out and write him an email. Or an IM. Or just give him your number. But no, you want to hear his voice, and yet you’re uncomfortable giving out your number, no matter how nice and sane he’s seemed so far.

You know you need to dial the phone. But how to start?

Review his profile or whatever you know about him before dialing. If you want a cheat sheet, prepare 3 or 4 open-ended questions. Open-ended questions get people to talk more. They start with how, what, who, why, when and require more than a one- or two-word response. You could start with “Tell me about…,” “Help me understand…,” “I’m curious about…,” “Share with me…,” “I’m interested in….”

You could ask questions that elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, but then the conversation can stall. If he’s a bit nervous, he won’t elaborate. So prompt him with a question that invites him to talk more.

Also, don’t interrogate him with rapid-fire questions. Make sure you comment on his response before asking another question. And allow him to ask you some questions. I find it best to end my answers with a question back to him, even if it’s just, “What do you think on that topic?”

Here’s a sample for you.

You: Hi Mark. This is Sally, also known as SunnyBright from Match.com. I wanted to call and say “Hi.”

Him: Hi Sally. It’s nice to finally hear your voice.

You: Thanks. It’s nice to hear yours, too. I liked your profile and I’ve enjoyed our email exchanges. You are an interesting guy. (A little sincere flattery is a good way to begin. Don’t comment on his pic by saying that you think he’s cute, as the pic could be from a long time ago. When you meet, he might not look much like his pic.)

(Now ask him an open ended question. Something from his profile.) I thought it was interesting that you said you were an East Coast transplant. What is the most striking difference you’ve found from living on both coasts?

(If you said, “Do you like living on the West Coast?” or “Do you miss the East Coast?” he could just answer “yes” or “no.”)

Him: The people here are more open and friendly, which is great. I haven’t had time to meet a lot of folks, but am getting some friends from work and the sailing club.

You: I remember you said in your profile you liked to sail. I love to sail, too, but haven’t been out in a long time. I love the wind on my face and being so close to the water. What’s your favorite thing about sailing?

And you’re off. On the first call, people commonly ask, “What are you looking for in a romantic partner?” But they often express that in their profile — even if it is typically nebulous. And people aren’t particularly willing to go into a deep discussion on the first call. You want to know if you might be a match, but unless he says something that is totally off-putting, you can’t really tell if you might be a match or not.

Some women also try to feel out a man’s readiness for a committed relationship and his interest in having a family. A guy may say he’s ready to settle down, but doesn’t know he isn’t until he is in a relationship. So you can ask, but a guy may say what he thinks you want to hear — not because he is purposefully lying (although some will), but because he’s not really clear on what he wants, but doesn’t realize it.

The purpose of this first call is to see how easy he is to talk to. If it is difficult to maintain a conversation, it’s not good. If he talks 90% about himself, how much money he makes (or the material goods he has that tells you how much money he makes), how horrible his ex is, or curses or gets sexual, then no need to bother meeting. However, most people are on their best behavior on the first call, so if there is nothing odious about him at this point, it’s probably worth another call or coffee.

But let him ask! Don’t say, “Shall we get together?” or “Do you want to have coffee?” Yes, you’re an assertive, take-charge, twenty-first century woman. But this is not the time to show it. It will come out soon enough. You shouldn’t be something you’re not, but allow him to make the invitation. Unless you’re into shy men, he needs to show enough interest — and confidence — to suggest the next contact. Even if he says, “I’m up to my eyeballs in work the next few days. Let me call you back in a day or two,” that is a good sign. If you don’t want to give your number, say, “No problem. Email me a good time and I’ll call you back in a few days.”

R.L. Morgan, "The Dating Goddess," brings you her experience from the front line of dating after 40 -- having dated 73 men in 2 years after her 20-year marriage broke up. Read her insights and lessons to help you date more effectively. She's a bestselling author, Oprah guest, and speaker. Read all of the Dating Goddess's wisdom at Adventures in Dating After 40, http://www.DatingGoddess.com

©2006-07 RL Morgan, All rights reserved.

Dating After 40: What’s Your Kissing Quotient?

Recently I’ve had six dates with a guy, but only one passionate kiss — on the fifth date! Before that I got pecks hello and goodbye. I began to wonder if he thought of me as a pal — or worse, his sister! But he treated me and touched me in ways that said otherwise. I’d think, “This guy just doesn’t like kissing,” but before we even met he asked me if I liked to kiss and I said yes. So I don’t think that’s the problem.

Only one other guy took more dates — six — to passionately smooch. Other guys have locked lips too much and too soon — some within minutes of meeting me. So I’ve begun to wonder if each person has a kissing quotient. And you have to work it out with potential partners so both person’s kissing needs are met.

There are several kissing quotient criteria:

* How soon – After first meeting someone, at what point do you feel it is appropriate to passionately kiss? This can vary widely depending on the person and the attraction you have to each other. However, do you have some general guidelines? Tyra Banks has said she never kisses on the first date, and if a guy tries to plant one on her lips, she turns her cheek. She wants him to really want to kiss her during the second date!

* Frequency — Some people like to kiss a lot — both pecks and passionately. Do you like a lot of kissing, some, or hardly any? Some people can interpret lots of kissing as lots of attraction. Others feel it shows neediness and clinginess — or horniness!

* Timing — Do you like kissing anywhere you feel drawn to your partner — on the street, in the movies, in a store, or do you prefer private necking — in the car and at home? Or do you like making out only in bed?

* Duration — Some folks like to kiss for hours. Others for only a few minutes. What’s the length of time you’re comfortable necking?

* Style — Some people have no kissing foreplay. No nibbles or suggestive busses. They just start full bore. If you like nibbles and he’s a “full court press” guy, there’s a mismatch. I’ve even tried to teach guys how I liked to be kissed, with not a lot of success.

Of course, all of this depends on how much you enjoy canoodling with the other person. If you don’t consider him a good kisser, you’re probably not going to extend your lip-locking activities.

Hmmm. Maybe my beau du jour doesn’t like my kisses! Or maybe he is afraid they will make him get weak knees and he’ll lose his decorum!

R.L. Morgan, "The Dating Goddess," brings you her experience from the front line of dating after 40 -- having dated 73 men in 2 years after her 20-year marriage broke up. Read her insights and lessons to help you date more effectively. She's a bestselling author, Oprah guest, and speaker. Read all of the Dating Goddess's wisdom at Adventures in Dating After 40, http://www.DatingGoddess.com

©2006-07 RL Morgan, All rights reserved.

Top 10 Ways to Seduce Women

It's one thing to know how to attract a woman. Any guy can get dressed up, style his hair nicely, and look good at a bar. But how do you take the next step--SEDUCING a woman?

Camille Paglia said that "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle.” Indeed, it's not enough to look good. Showing your interests, flirting shamelessly, using body language: these are all ingredients that make the thrill of the hunt so fun and seductive."

First let's look at what a lot of guys do incorrectly in trying to get a woman to bed:

1. They talk down on themselves

Never, ever talk negatively of yourself. It's one thing to joke about yourself; for example, if you trip while walking her somewhere, say, "I meant to do that," not "Oh, I'm such a friggin' clutz!" Show confidence and belief in yourself. Make her believe that your life goes on without her; you've got so much going on that you can deal with rejection.

Also remember to be CHOOSY. Nothing shows confidence like asking a girl questions about her OWN career. Instead of being intimidated by her questions about what you do and what you like, intimidate her with your own questions! Show her she can't intimidate you--YOU are the selector, not her!

Another great way to seduce women is to play games and break her balls. Tease her mercilessly and put her down in front of her friends. This shows both confidence in yourself, and humor. Both of which turn women on greatly. They don't want a guy they can run all over; they want a guy who will PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE!

This only serves to stir up chemicals in her brain, such as PEA, that make her attracted to you. Talking about seducing women!

On the other hand, don't make the next mistake, which too many guys unfortunately do...

2. They talk TOO highly of themselves

While it's great to show belief in yourself, it's not a good idea to come across as an arrogant jerk. If anything, talking really highly of yourself shows insecurity and selfishness...not ideal characteristics to portray when trying to get a woman in bed.

3. They have bad breath

You can have everything else going right: you're making her laugh, she's into you, you're flirting just right. But if you've got bad breath, how can you expect her to want to even kiss you, let alone go home with you? Guys, make sure you have some Binaca, gum, or breath mints handy at all times.

4. They're not dressed well

This is a simple one. If you look like you just woke out of bed, no girl's gonna be attracted to you. Let alone seduced. You don't have to dress like a model, but you sure as hell should watch what you wear and how you present yourself.

What colors work best? In my course I go through all the best colors for catching women's attention and turning them on, but generally, you can't go wrong with jeans and a white shirt, black pants and a burgundy shirt, or all black if you want to give an essence of cool and rebellious.

Just make sure you're well-groomed! The best clothes in the world won't make up for bad hygiene and messy hair--facial or otherwise.

5. Bad posture/Body Language

Yeah, a little thing like bad posture can go a big way towards stopping your seduction goals. It's really important to sit up straight and have your shoulders back. You want to convey confidence and control as much as you can. Leaning over and not looking a girl in the eye will sabotage your efforts.

For more information on reading female body language and giving off the right body language gestures of your own, make sure you check out the .

6. Bad BO

Bad body odor is definitely a no-no. Guys, wear deodorant! And don't overdo on the cologne; it's not a substitute for a fresh shower and anti-perspirant, and sometimes, less is more.

7. They get really, really drunk

Yeah, we've all had one of these nights. You drink a little too much (or a LOT too much), act like a creep, get really aggressive, stink of alcohol. All of it combines to drive the girl away. That's not seducing her to bed; it's inducing her to leave!

Instead, show that you don't need alcohol to get a woman to bed. The thing is, only YOU can attract women. Alcohol can't make you someone you're not. It all begins with a commitment to developing
your foundation: your inner game, your self-belief, your ability to embrace the moment.

8. They try too hard

Nothing makes a woman want to get bed with you less, than you pushing her to do more. Guys who plead with women to come to bed, grab onto them without their consent, and say really obvious things like, "C'mon, come to my place, it'll be fun," are destined to a night alone. Girls don't want to seem easy; they want to feel like a man earned her body. Thinking a woman will go home with you when you basically tell her to...is not thinking at all.

9. They don't listen

Sometimes listening is all you need to do to get a woman excited. Give a girl your ear, and she'll give you her heart. Don't underestimate this understanding her and giving her a chance to be heard! Women are all about building bonds, building CONNECTIONS, so listening her to goes a long way towards making yourself more attractive.

In my How to Be Irresistible to Women course, I teach you some great ways to show a girl that you're actively listening--and how to make her more active in return. Unfortunately, too many guys only want to talk about themselves. That's a bad mistake.

10. They don't have any confidence

This is the biggest problem. Even when a girl is interested in them, so many guys don't know how to proceed. They think too much about what to do, instead of just relaxing and seeing what happens. Of course, you have to have some rough idea of how to steer things to the bedroom, but for the most part, the best way is to just settle in, flirt, and talk like you mean it. The girl will take care of the rest.

For more information about building confidence, how to seduce women, and how to make women feel a gut, emotional attraction to you, check out my How to Be Irresistible to Women course. Details below!

James Brito, author of "How to Be Irresistible to Women" and "The Art of Impressing Women," reveals the secrets of female attraction. Since 2000, he has helped thousands of men around the world build killer confidence and get the women they deserve. To get his free six-part audio mini-course, go to:

http://www.000relationships.com

Because it's YOUR turn!

Online Dating Tips-I See Someone I Like-Now What?

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So, you’ve signed up to a couple of dating sites and have actually found a few people you’d like to get to know better… maybe even date. What do you do now?

Well, you can put up your profile and wait for someone to contact you, but you’ll probably get much better results if you take the initiative. When you find someone interesting and feel the urge to say "Hey", don’t be bashful! That person may just love to hear from you. After all, they created a profile, just like you, in hopes of meeting someone. You definitely won’t know unless you contact them and find out.

Ladies, don’t be shy - men love to be pursued!

How do you initiate contact?

The most common ways to contact someone is with an email, an instant message, or a ‘wink’.

I recommend saving the instant messaging until you’ve exchanged a few emails because it gives you more time to think about what you are going to say and to get a feel for the other person. Once you get more familiar with each other, then you can start chatting.

If you don’t have a paid membership, you’ll most likely be limited to using ‘winks’ or ’smiles’ or something similar. These are canned messages that will say something like "Nancy is interested in you" or "Joe winked at you". Winks and smiles are a quick way to say hello but drastically limit your ability to pique someone’s interest. This puts a lot of pressure on having a terrific profile because it will have to do all of your talking for you.

Email is best in the beginning.

Emailing a potential date is a lot like flirting. The purpose of the first email is to get them to respond, to open a dialogue. You want to get their interest but leave it open ended so that they will respond back to you. Keep your emails short and charming. Another tip: don’t send a barrage of emails to one person, follow their pace and try to keep up. (If they send 4 a week, you send 4 or so a week.)

So How Do You Write That First Email?

When replying to personal ads, try to be, well, personable. Write at least a paragraph or two about yourself and what you like about them or their personal ad. Many of the principles of profile writing apply to email, such as staying positive, being honest, and paying close attention to spelling and grammar.

Meeting someone online is very exciting and can make you feel like a love struck teenager, but do your best not to sound like one. Most of us are looking for someone that is a little more mature, someone that has potential for being a lifetime partner. When you first start communicating with a person, there is nothing wrong with flirtation, being happy, and laughing, but make sure it’s not over the top. Also, don’t start by pouring out your soul, telling him or her all about your ex-spouse or ex-significant other. Avoid talking about personal things such as financial problems, health issues, or stories about your dysfunctional family. This is a huge turnoff, and an excellent way to scare someone away. Save that kind of talk for your Thursday night poker game or day at the hairdresser. If you are a single parent, a little bit of conversation about your kids is fine to break the ice and find common ground, but remember you are trying to build a romantic connection, so keep it too a minimum.

Always be honest!

If the relationship moves forward, the truth will come out eventually. It’s far better to be yourself up front rather than tell a silly lie in the beginning, only to be found out and have a potential relationship fall apart.

Keep it positive!

The last thing anyone wants is to send a message to someone and in the response, hear all about their past failed relationships, health problems, or financial woes. You can share the doom and gloom after you get to know each other a little bit. Or better yet, just put all that stuff behind you and move on. There’s no time like the present to start fresh!

Compliment something you found interesting in their profile.

This is where it’s important to read the person’s profile. It gives you things to talk about. For example, if you are a woman and you find a man interesting and he has Labrador dogs just like you, you could say something like, "Hi. My name is Mary and I noticed in your profile that you have Labs. I do too!" From there, give a brief description of your dog, mention that you would enjoy hearing back, and sign off.

Avoid overtly sexual comments.

Don’t come on too strong at first with sexual innuendos and try not to comment on the person’s photo. Find something a little more ‘deep’ to comment on, maybe something they said in their description.

Find a way to continue the communication.

The main point of the first email is to get them to notice you and to respond back to you. Don’t give up too much information, but tell them enough to get them interested. You are trying to get a conversation going, so asking questions is a good idea, as long as you don’t ask too many.

Mention things you have in common, and ask a question or two about them.

For example, when you first start messaging with someone, you could ask, "Did you do anything fun this week?" "Do you have any great plans for the weekend?" This will help you learn more about the person without seeming nosey. After you have been communicating with someone special for a while, you can use innocent questions to see if you can find an opening in time when the two of you might meet.

Try to avoid long letters with little details that might be considered boring.

Keep it to the point, but try to let your personality shine through. Then, a good rule of thumb is "compliments and questions." An earnest compliment on the person’s accomplishments, writing style, or life goals will say a lot.

Here are a couple of good, ice-breaking starter topics:

• If you live in the same area, comment on the area, or something relating to it. If you don’t live in the same area, you can ask questions about where they are.
• Music and movies are also a good conversation-starter; most everyone likes some kind of music or movie.
• Maybe you went to the same college or better yet, a rival school. Poking fun at rival schools is always a fun way to break the ice.

And sign your real first name…
If you work this right, the person will contact you back. Remember, even if you get a response, you’ll have to keep their interest. In the emails that follow, keep asking questions and keep complimenting (while remaining honest and positive). When you feel comfortable, you can move on to more intimate forms of communication like instant messaging, the telephone, and eventually, meeting in person.

If a day goes by and you haven’t heard from them, rather than inundate the individual’s mailbox with messages, leave one short, sweet message that provides a small hint to prompt him or her to reply.

Remember…

Don’t give out your full name, personal email address, or phone number in this initial email; wait until you’re both interested and it’s apparent that it’s going somewhere.

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